How is it that as a Creative Director for 20+ years, I was unable to design the relational life I wanted? I’m masterful at taking a blank slate and creating something from nothing that is beautiful, attractive, and inspiring. But good design is built on the foundation of solid principles and clear and concise messaging and when those are in place, creative flow rushes in.

Ah, it’s no wonder then, that my relational life was a messy canvas of chaos, failures, oblivion, ruptures, and heartbreaks—I was never taught the fundamental principles of secure, healthy relationships. And the messaging I got as a man was even worse:

Don’t express vulnerability.

Keep your emotions in check.

Don’t cry or be a sissy.

Avoid anything effeminate.

Be dominant, aggressive, macho, and athletic.

Reject closeness with other men.

Pursue status.

“Man up.”

Damn. What a fucked-up setup and a breeding ground for shame, humiliation, and disappointment!

An early childhood of abandonment, emotional and physical abuse, and growing up in a religion where strict obedience was demanded found me creating several strategic personas to maintain connection with others: The Good Boy. The Peacemaker. The Golden Child. The Class Clown. In my adult life, my go-to strategies were The People-pleaser. The Rescuer. The Self-sacrificer. The Yes-man. The Nice Guy.

After ending a 24-year marriage plagued by codependency, I quickly leapt into a relationship where I continued to employ these strategies. Nearly two years later, my loving partner gave me some very hard-to-hear feedback about the way I was relating to them and how they desperately wanted to know the Real Me. I was so confused! What did that even mean? I WAS being me, wasn’t I? The kind, gentle, helpful, do-anything-for-you person I knew myself to be was instead being experienced by my partner as a rescuer, a savior, a codependent people-pleaser and a filtered version of who they believed me to be. Damn. What a revelation. I prided myself on the great guy I was and assumed what my partner wanted and needed without ever asking them! I had never been given such confronting feedback before.

After a heart-wrenching conversation we made the difficult decision to break up. I was devastated, heartbroken, and full of self-pity.

And I never wanted to experience this kind of pain again.

I knew I needed help and I was ready to be educated. Realizing I needed to get out of my victim seat and begin authoring my life in a new way, I enrolled myself in The Relationship School‘s Deep Psychology of Intimate Relationships course. An ass-kicking nine-month course on relationships helped me come home to my heart and I fell in love with myself for the first time at age 48. I identified the distinction between Alone and Lonely. I discovered the power of boundaries and how they lovingly honor who I am at my core. I learned of the harmful effects of religious guilt and shame. I became aware of when I was wrapped up in strategy and when I was being my true, authentic self.

These were exactly the tools I needed to design the life I wanted! And I learned how to rewrite and reframe the harmful messaging I received about relationships. New relational hardware AND software to design the life I wanted? Hell yes!

The impact these tools had on my life were so life-changing, I decided to continue my journey and train to become a relationship coach so I could help others with their relationship challenges. Just before earning my certification, a tragic event of a mutual friend brought my former partner and me together again in a moment of grief. After sharing our respective journeys with each other and what we’d been up to, we decided to give our relationship another go in what we called Chapter 2. How fortunate it was to have a second shot—this time with effective relational tools that helped us be present, communicate clearly, practice healthy boundaries, and repair conflict in a way that honored each of us as whole and complete individuals. I learned so much about myself and the way I was relating and am so grateful for the opportunity of reflection and growth.

If you’re struggling in your relationships—whether with yourself or someone else—I am here to help you shed the strategic skin you’re living in and help you create the life you want and are entitled to! Book a complimentary coaching call with me now.